Category Archives: Life as it is…undefined yet beautiful

Are you lonely?

lonely   Check who you are with!! Cuz, loneliness seldom comes from being alone. A myriad of questions of the following nature are thrown at me at all times…

How can you possibly stay alone? Don’t you ever get lonely? How do you spend your evenings? What do you do for…uh…uhmmm…uhh…you know what I mean!!

The best one ever…

…are you the closeted type, it’s alright ..times have changed you know!!!

…followed by looks with various punctuation marks. Then come suggestions and well meaning advice. Am growing old. I ought to be concerned. I should look for a nice loving partner now or it will be too late. I say late for what?? Am just starting to grow up. Like in the real sense. For the first time I’m growing up for no one but myself. For the first time I have no expectations to live upto. For the first time am choosing to live on my own terms. For the first time am doing things that make me happy. Am finally getting to know ME. For the first time I am not afraid. I feel free. And if feels absolutely wonderful. Not to say I haven’t been happy in the past. Just that my happiness depended on a lot of factors. How well I pleased people. And how often I offended them. People who pretended to like me if I made them happy. People who made me feel loved when I sacrificed – my freedom, my choice, my voice, my entity, my likes and dislikes, my opinions and values, my friends. People who never tried to know me, and seldom cared. People that once provided a safe home to an obedient little girl that loved to please and serve, in trade for bits of what seemed like love. To a 19 yr old girl trying to escape a violent, abusive home, that was once indeed happiness. Today I don’t know if I am happy because I am single. Or because I am in tune with life. Because with time I have found a truly reliable friend, that’s ME!!! Or because I never get bored, and find possibilities…and so much to do, learn and get busy with. Or because am not afraid of being alone. Or that am no longer afraid of losing ‘cuz  almost everything I held so close to my heart for many many years, I have let go. OR Am I happy because I am no more surrounded by people with layers of masks who have no clue who they are or who I am and I don’t have to please them or pretend to be someone I am not. Well now my happier self wants to put out an order for a genuine, loving partner who’ll have to be my friend as in someone I can look upto, someone I can laugh and be silly with, who’ll take me as I am, show me what’s right instead of putting me down, be willing to learn and grow, be silly and adorable, sweet and irresistible, be fearless and carefree, and not take life too seriously, put up with my craziness, hold me close when am down, look into my eyes and see my soul, trust me wholly, blindly, completely, madly and most importantly, never ever let me go….uhmmm well, Universe, do you mind expediting my order..how about an overnight delivery!! Thanks 🙂

Grateful for the good things in life…

Our Bharatnatyam classes have started after a long two and a half months break.  Needless to say, it was HARD getting back to the routine with my limbs refusing to move, and my mind nodding aggressively in favor. I was almost on the verge of giving up after two classes, when last weekend the passion returned with full force (after Aunty Katherine said she would teach us Ragamallika Jathiswaram, a very strenuous ‘pure dance’ item!!). 

Simmi joined me and Mansi this year, which made me immensely happy and when our teacher moved her two level up the beginner’s class, I was delighted (she was too!!).  Now, having her in one of my classes is absolutely wonderful. I am hoping she can move in with me in my next class as well. But that is asking for too much. I want her to learn at peace and not load her with too much all at once. She is also cooking (some days), doing housechores, studying (she is a senior this year), dancing, driving around (thats her new found independence), partying with friends (sometimes) plus taking care of his siblings after school and on the weekends. That is a LOT for a teenager to handle and she is doing everything beautifully, without a complaint!  She is an absolute angel.

Jassi and Mansi are  loving their piano lessons and practices without being told.  I love to hear them play while I finish my chores. Its therapeutic to see your child doing something worthwhile with their time, I guess. Wishing to have Jassi enrolled for a Drum class although personally I would want him to learn Tabla instead but got to keep in mind, its his life and so got to respect his choice.

 I wish I could teach my kids Hindustani Classical music (with whatever little I know, at least I can give a basic crash course ) but both Jassi and Mansi want to learn Western Music  😦 . Nothing wrong with that I agree but seriously and you can call me biased here but I just dont find anything come close to Indian Classical Music or Dance. I mean I love ballet, tap, hiphop, jazz..and all kinds of folk dances and I love music from all over the world…yet when you hear the sitar or the flute or the sarod playing raagas like bhairav/bhairavi, todi, miyan ki malhaar, sohini, vasant, malkauns or lalit (my favorite ones BTW) you know that there can be NO comparison whatsoever!! Specially when you hear these raagas at the right time when they are supposed to be played…you find HEAVEN!

I hope as my kids grow up, they learn to differentiate and begin to appreciate what we have been given in heritage and make use of their talents and the opportunities that come their way. 

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Sometimes when I look around, I find I am looking thru a new set of eyes, a new vision that only sees beauty, finds no faults, that only appreciates and feels grateful. Those are the times when I feel proud. I feel happy.  I feel I can ask for nothing else.