Are you lonely?

lonely   Check who you are with!! Cuz, loneliness seldom comes from being alone. A myriad of questions of the following nature are thrown at me at all times…

How can you possibly stay alone? Don’t you ever get lonely? How do you spend your evenings? What do you do for…uh…uhmmm…uhh…you know what I mean!!

The best one ever…

…are you the closeted type, it’s alright ..times have changed you know!!!

…followed by looks with various punctuation marks. Then come suggestions and well meaning advice. Am growing old. I ought to be concerned. I should look for a nice loving partner now or it will be too late. I say late for what?? Am just starting to grow up. Like in the real sense. For the first time I’m growing up for no one but myself. For the first time I have no expectations to live upto. For the first time am choosing to live on my own terms. For the first time am doing things that make me happy. Am finally getting to know ME. For the first time I am not afraid. I feel free. And if feels absolutely wonderful. Not to say I haven’t been happy in the past. Just that my happiness depended on a lot of factors. How well I pleased people. And how often I offended them. People who pretended to like me if I made them happy. People who made me feel loved when I sacrificed – my freedom, my choice, my voice, my entity, my likes and dislikes, my opinions and values, my friends. People who never tried to know me, and seldom cared. People that once provided a safe home to an obedient little girl that loved to please and serve, in trade for bits of what seemed like love. To a 19 yr old girl trying to escape a violent, abusive home, that was once indeed happiness. Today I don’t know if I am happy because I am single. Or because I am in tune with life. Because with time I have found a truly reliable friend, that’s ME!!! Or because I never get bored, and find possibilities…and so much to do, learn and get busy with. Or because am not afraid of being alone. Or that am no longer afraid of losing ‘cuz  almost everything I held so close to my heart for many many years, I have let go. OR Am I happy because I am no more surrounded by people with layers of masks who have no clue who they are or who I am and I don’t have to please them or pretend to be someone I am not. Well now my happier self wants to put out an order for a genuine, loving partner who’ll have to be my friend as in someone I can look upto, someone I can laugh and be silly with, who’ll take me as I am, show me what’s right instead of putting me down, be willing to learn and grow, be silly and adorable, sweet and irresistible, be fearless and carefree, and not take life too seriously, put up with my craziness, hold me close when am down, look into my eyes and see my soul, trust me wholly, blindly, completely, madly and most importantly, never ever let me go….uhmmm well, Universe, do you mind expediting my order..how about an overnight delivery!! Thanks 🙂

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